|Amputate This Gang Green...|
|Written by Cotter|
|October 11, 2013 00:00|
Well, first of all, I realize I'm on tender ground here, and I'm sure many of you are still feeling the sting of being within arms reach, yet not being able to grasp hold of an NLCS berth.
So, I'll try and be gentle.
Frankly, I'm kind of amazed that any of you still care about the Steelers enough to read this (and I appreciate that fact, believe me).
But the fact remains, 0-4 is not 0-12.
Nor is it even 0-6. Imagine being a Giants fan.
Do I expect the Steelers to go on a 12-0 run from here on out?
But, is it possible?
And in either case, all you really want to see is the Steelers put up a fight without looking like they're fighting themselves.
After having just been given an opportunity to reflect on the season thus far, let's hope they've come out the other side of the bye with a different energy.
Either way, we know they've made some moves in an attempt to change the results they're seeing.
One of those being trading what was apparently a set of weights, some orange gatorade, and a jar of Todd Haley's wet farts to Arizona for maligned left tackle Levi Brown.
Now, on the one hand, it's hard to imagine anyone or anything being worse than Mike Adams playing pattycake with opposing defenders on Ben's blind side. And you have to think you don't make it seven years at LT in the NFL by being complete dogshit, right?
On the other hand, performance reports on Brown, and indeed the fact that apparently all the Steelers had to give up for him was a piece of their dignity, and the fact that Kelvin Beachum is listed as starting LT for Sunday, certainly doesn't instill the kind of confidence you'd want in a guy whose position is principally responsible for keeping your $100 million dollar QB's jersey clean.
Basically what I'm trying to say, perhaps too diplomatically, is that by most accounts, Levi Brown is Mike Adams plus six years.
It's like they needed a reliable used car, but instead of going out and getting a certified, pre-owned 2011 BMW X5, they went out and got themselves a 1998 Acura Integra. Shit probably looked nice when you were looking at buying it new off the lot back when the economy was riding high, but now it just looks old and abused, and you wonder how the hell anyone would want to drive it if they didn't have to.
Or to put it another way, Levi Brown appears to be the Jessica Simpson of the NFL.
Where have you gone, Marvel Smith?
But back to the lecture at hand - no, bringing in Levi Brown isn't necessarily the kind of change you might feel will make a significant difference.
And perhaps you feel the same about Cam Heyward starting over Ziggy Hood, Shamarko Thomas reportedly in line for more snaps in the base defense, bringing back Will Allen, or releasing Kion Wilson - who just a couple of weeks ago was listed as a starter - so we could re-sign Stevenson Sylvester, a three year veteran of the Steelers system that we released in August.
But, it shows that they're willing to make changes, and so you have to hope that those end up being for the better.
Besides, wet blanket alert - how could it get much worse?
Meanwhile, the team we're facing on Sunday - the Jets - seems to be on an opposite trajectory.
After engineering a game winning drive Monday night, everyone is tentatively annointing rookie Geno Smith a star, and through five games, the Jets D has allowed the second least yards per game in the NFL.
However, take a look at the three wins and the two losses, and you'll see that the wins have all come against teams currently suffering from losing records (the three have a combined record of 3-11).
So, how good are the Jets really?
Like last week, it doesn't matter.
The more appropriate question is, how good are the Steelers?
I'm sure if I asked you all now, the majority of you would say "garbage."
But hey, life in the NFL is unpredictable, and the Steelers have had two weeks to prepare for this game. So, here's to hoping they can somehow steal a win.
A defensive turnover or two couldn't hurt as well.
Now, if you're still with me, allow me to turn up the volume, and let's rock.
Just consider Geno Smith the government, and LaMarr Woodley and Jarvis Jones the GOP.
'Cause he's about to get SHUT THE F#@K DOWN.
Over/under on the number of times that joke has been made about something in the last two weeks is roughly equal to Mike Adams' weight.
Ok, so Geno Smith is being given the royal Joe Flacco treatment here after a "heroic" last minute, 4th Quarter, game winning drive at the end of the first game in his short career during which he didn't throw a pick (although this isn't the first time he's put them in a position to win in crunch time this year, and he also threw 3 TDs).
So, the Jets've got that goin' for them, which is nice.
But, about those turnovers.
In the previous four games, dude threw a total of EIGHT interceptions and fumbled three times, for a grand total of 11 turnovers, which going into this past week was tied for most in the league.
And he's a n00b.
And he's been sacked 18 times in five games.
So, listen, I said it last time - I have zero ability to predict how the Steelers will play this one, but I have to think you like this matchup if you're the Steelers defense.
Averaging just under 13 caries per game for 45 yards if you take out the only game in which he saw more than 20 carries (when he rode 27 touches to 149 yards and a spot on someone in your fantasy league's roster).
Sorry guys, I can't take this seriously anymore now that I've put that gif there.
I'm just gonna keep moving.
The star of possibly my favorite photojob of all time here, Stephen Hill, a bar of Irish Spring, an original copy of Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet," and a Rainbow Loom make up the Jets receiving corps.
At this point, I'm not sure if Sansmokio will play, but either way, it doesn't sound like he's been healthy OR happy this season.
Thus, Stephen Hill and Jeremy Kerley.
Honestly, I did exactly zero research on either of these guys, so all I can tell you is that with Tone's injured feelings, Stephen Hill has led the Jets in terms of receptions and receiving yards, and Jeremy Kerley exists.
Sorry, I'm sure this isn't the first time I've disappointed you guys.
Jeff Cumberland and Kellen Winslow (UPDATE, 10/11, 4PM: Uh, nevermind. Apparently Kellen Winslow has been taking banned substances and is now subsequently suspended for the next four games).
Let it be noted that these two combined have more TDs than the entire Jets receiving corps.
Now, allow me to throw it over to Peezy...
Kellen Winslow is soff.
Left to right - D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Vladimir Ducasse, Nick Mangold, Willie Colon, and Austin Howard.
18 sacks allowed on the season, which is good enough for 2nd most allowed in the league, despite the fact that there are two Pro Bowlers in this unit.
Which just makes that photojob even more relevant, as it means they're shitty.
You know, because poop comes through your colon.
HAR HAR HAR, you guys.
Also, couldn't let the fact that apparently D'Brickashaw Ferguson once "appeared on Nickelodeon's Wild and Crazy Kids and rode in a BMX vs. Horses race" go unnoticed.
It's uncited on Wikipedia, you guys, it must be true.
Wilkerson, Harrison, Richardson - a trio of 'sons, if you will (equally fitting given that they're all under 25, with a collective three years of NFL experience between them).
The two bookend 'sons have combined for 6.5 sacks - 2011 1st round pick Muhammad Wilkerson with a team high FOUR (plus two forced fumbles), and 2013 1st round pick Sheldon Richardson (whose nickname is apparently "Boss Hog," which is amazing) with 2.5
Damon Harrison, on the hand, has no sack...s, and is trying to cop a derivation of Casey Hampton's "Big Snack" moniker.
Ish don't think so.
Metallica used to be so badass.
RIP, Cliff Burton.
By the way, in case you didn't make the connection, this unit is for whom the Le'Veon Bell tolls.
So yeah, Quinton Coples, DeMario Davis, David Harris, and Calvin Pace.
The Jets' 2012 1st round selection - Quinton Coples...
Not totally sure, but I think God is good, and great.
When selecting him in the 3rd round of last year's draft, apparently Rex Ryan likened DeMario Davis's leadership abilities to those of Ray Lewis.
I'll send someone by to clean up your puke.
He does seem like a much nicer individual, though.
And a more lucid one as well.
David "The Hitman" Harris...
Is still a monster, who leads the Jets in tackles.
He also shares his name with the actor David Harris, who was in one of the all-time great NYC movies, "The Warriors."
And Calvin Pace...
Who, you may remember infamously tried to check Ben Roethlisberger for a hernia last September.
Of very little consequence whatsoever, but everytime I hear Calvin Pace's name, all I can think of is Pace salsa. And when I hear Pace salsa, all I can think of is...
NEWWWW YORK CITY?!?!?!?
2013 1st round pick Dee Milliner (questionable) or Kyle Wilson, and Antonio Cromartie (questionable) or Woodland Hills' own Darrin Walls at the Corners, Antonio Allen/Jaiquawn Jarrett and Dawan Landry at the Safeties.
As a group, these guys are responsible for exactly half of the turnovers the Jets defense has forced.
So, there's that.
And the only other thing to talk about is, of course, Antonio Cromartie's kids, which I'm required to do anytime we play the Jets.
But at least Google's got him covered if he ever forgets any of his 10 kids' names in the future.
I can't believe this is real life.
Rex Ryan might be my 2nd favorite head coach behind Tomlin, even if he used to be the Ravens d coordinator.
So many gems.
Hey, quick - Rex Ryan's wife's foot fetish vids or Todd Haley's wife's nudes - who ya got?
Let's just start to wind it down.
Tim's Tea Party:
Tim is studying for some cert or something this week, so he asked me to relay the following message to you guys:
1) Elsewhere in Jets franchises...
Teemu Selanne is my homeboy.
2) Good guidance if you happen to be traveling to my hood to see this one in person...
Also, never forget.
That Jets fans are dicks.
3) Tomlin is sick of your shit...
Yep, that oughta do it.
4) I have no words...
No, seriously, I'm speechless.
5) Ryan Clark is out of his damn mind...
But wait, that's not all...
Number one - I'd pay to see Ryan Clark take 60 minutes worth of snaps behind the Steelers O-line then make that statement, and number two - it's funny that ESPN didn't ask him anything about all the tackles he's missed this year.
Somebody stop this guy.
And the same should be said for me, so I'm gonna wind it down quickly here.
Ok, it's time to QFA, and do work, you guys.
Ground the Jets on 3...
Here we go.
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