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Dead Men Walking

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Written by Captain Planet   
October 19, 2009 13:32

And just like that, the Steelers are once again atop the division.

Of course, for now they share that honor with the Bungholes of Cincinnati, who despite having everyone all over their nuts all week, managed to lose to the Texans(!)

Which reminds us...we'd like to formally thank Houston and Minnesota for doing their part yesterday to straighten out the AFC North.

Now, let this be the last time we thank Minny for anything this week that doesn't involve them losing on Sunday.

Anyways, once the dust settled yesterday, the final numbers looked like this...

Key stat = 543 total yards of offense.

We hear that this was the first time in 50 games that the Steelers had amassed a number of total yards equal to the combined body weight of Cleveland's latest two coaches.

If that doesn't please you, stop playing Madden on easy.

Let's not kid ourselves, though.

The Steelers would have had no business losing this game.

The Browns were a convenience lay.

Maybe she wasn't the hottest, but she all but threw herself at you, so why not?

After all, you've already got the herps anyhow, right?

Errrr...maybe that's enough sharing for one day...

On that note, let's get to the recap. Below are our "Things That Were Awesome," "Things That Were Not Awesome," and "Things That Made You Think You Were Watching The Redskins." Once you've finally finished combing this marathon post, let us have yours in the comments.

Now, roll camera!

Things That Were Awesome:

1. 417 Passing Yards

417 yards = Benny passing for the third most yards in Steelers history and he is now leading the NFL in passing yards.


Are the Steelers officially a "pass-first" team?

Who cares.

Ben straight up raped tore up the Browns secondary, leading the way with 417 passing yards and two touchdowns. Hines, Sant, and Heath all had big receiving days and seemed open on every play.

No seriously, nobody covered Hines Ward on first and second down.

It's been a long time since the Steelers have been considered to have "Weapons" on the offensive side of the ball.

Defense, defense, defense. That's all we know. Now, we have a team that can score at any point in the ball game and 95% of the credit goes to Big Ben.

Oh, the OLine played great too. Benny had more time than a ____ at a_____.

You fill in the blanks above. We've done enough analogies over the past week.

Two more things.




Now boarding for Honolulu (we hope)!

2. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeath

What a Tight End!

What a human!

We are officially fans of the University of Virginia Football program because of Heath Miller.

Hell, we may even move to Virginia.

It's getting to the point where we can guarantee a touchdown for Heath, every Sunday. Big boy ended the day with five catches for eighty yards and a touchdown.

The Pro Bowl means about as much as the opinions on The View, but Heath should definitely be looking to get leid in Feburary.....

Fun fact: Heath moved to 9th All-Time in Steelers recieving touchdowns! Cool, huh?

3. This Instant Classic

Sir Mario and Sir Bus together at Heinz Field = magic

We can't remember if there's been a picture taken of two Pittsburgh athletes that'd be more iconic.

If there is, we don't care.

4. Hines Ward

And you drafted Reggie Wayne in fantasy...for shame!

Just like Ben and Heath, we might as well retire Hines as part of our "Things That Were Awesome."

Not only does he currently lead the league in yards receiving, but he's also on pace for 1500 or 1600 yards on the season.

If you thought extending the 33-year-old's contract this past offseason was foolish, we hope you're now making like Titans fans...

Hines Ward is delivering a message...

Koneecheewa, bitches!

5. Troy Returns With A Pick!

The interception was awesome, the limping that followed, wasn't.

We were rooting for Troy to take a seat after that play. But being the unbelievable spiritual force that he is, he played the rest of the game. Great to see #43 back on the field.

We're going to need Troy more than ever, this week against Minnesota.

Everyone go out and do sprints in your local YMCA pool, to welcome back Troy.

Things That Were Not Awesome:

1. NOT Lawrence Timmons

HA! See what we did there? Switching it up on you!

How could we not mention The Law?

Five tackles (all solo), two sacks, two forced fumbles...

We're pretty sure somewhere in there, Timmons even stripped Derek Anderson of his manhood.

We've used this so many times we can't even remember, but...

The original LT would be proud.

2. Browns Open The Second Half With A TD

Derek Anderson opened up the third quarter by marching down the field (like a gay pride baton twirler), completing a soft screen to Vickers for six.

First thought was - "here we go again....."

But then we remembered we were playing the Browns.

3. Ward TD Catch, That Wasn't

In the third, Hines Ward put on his super-hero costume and made an over-the-shoulder, spectacular catch, in the corner of the endzone. He came down with the ball, got two feet in and had to perform a Welsey Snipes-esq barrel roll to save his life but, lost control of the ball while he was OUT of bounds...

Apparently you have to maintain posession of the ball - throughout the completion of the play. Officials ruled that Ward dropped the ball while rolling out of bounds and thus, an incomplete pass.

My thoughts (Steve) were that he had two feet down, was in the end zone, touchdown. He lost the ball when he was already in for six.....

Whatever. Weird rule.....

Let this be a lesson kiddies - hold on to your balls.

4. Yikes

There's nothing funny about this.

We sincerely hope this dude has all bones and bodily organs intact.

Talk about a bad day.

5. The Moment We All Cursed Troy's Determination

Troy Polamalu is more hardass than Rambo, Batman, and Wolverine combined.

If he were an ice cream flavor, he'd be Cajones 'n' Cream.

Despite the fact that he could've sat this one out and likely watched the Steelers treat the Browns like, well, the Browns, Troy decided he was tired of picking splinters out of his ass and played.

And while we're thankful he did, the moment he came up limping is the reason that there's a fresh hole in our living room wall.

Thankfully, TP was alright and did not re-injure his MCL, but we'd have preferred Troy to have scared us with a Halloween costume rather than a temporary ailment.

Things That Made You Think You Were Watching The Redskins:

1. Josh Cribbs

As a rule, we generally try to avoid salivating over opposing players within our own division.

But we draw the line at Josh Cribbs.

Ridiculous athletic talent, that dude.

The Browns oughta just face the facts - without Cribbs on Special Teams and running the Wildcat yesterday, that game would've been more embarrassing than letting one rip in the middle of a client meeting.

And hey, if they don't wanna pay the man, like we said last week - Limas Sweed, a bag of balls, a chipped Isley's ham sandwich, and we'll now even throw in a Heinz Field groundskeeper.

What d'ya say, Mangina?

2. The Zebras

We may be homers, but we're not blind.

No way that was a 1st down.

We haven't seen a call that bad since Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett.

Plus, now we have to listen to Browns fans cry their vaginas out as if this call was the reason they lost.

Shut up, Cleveland.

Without Josh Cribbs and four Steeler turnovers, your side of the scoreboard would have been as vacant as Eric Mangini's cranium.

Which reminds us...

3. FOUR Turnovers

Any other team but the Browns and we're telling a different tale this morning.

Ben's pick we'll accept, even though he overthrew Hines by about 10 feet.

Willie's fumble, on the other hand, ugh.

That was softer than Miroslav Satan.

We're not going to dwell on this, because it wasn't outcome determinative against the Browns.

But if the Steelers commit four turnovers against Minnesota, come next Monday, this part of the game recap may need 10 items instead of five.

4. 4 for 11 on Third Down

The Steelers get twenty-eight first downs and we're mentioning their lack of third down conversions.

Who are we?

When it counts, Ben and the offense gets the job done. That's all that matters.

You can take your statistics and go play with the other nerds.

5. The AnnouncINGers

Anyone else catch, Solomon Wilcotts adding an ING to everyone's last name? Mainly - Rashard MendINGhall.

Maybe we're nit-picking here, but come on! You have a job announcing professional sports, learn the names.

Not only that - you have the spelling of their names, right in front of YOU!

He handled Mohammed Massaquoi with style and grace, was Mendenhall really that hard?

Maybe we should start calling him, Solomon Wilcocks.

Sorry. Solomon Wilcotts does not read OFTOT, so this was pointless.

So now what?

After back to back cake-walks with the Lions and Browns, the Steelers are back a top the AFC North and have a match up against the Vikings that's bigger than Jay Cutler's ego.

Welcome Brett Favre and his old balls to Pittsburgh. A win against Favre, Peterson and the rest of the yahoo's form Minnesooooota would be huge - especially headed into the bye week.

Strap on you helmet's, it's going to be an interesting week.

Prince sucks.

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fanof OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Comments (7)
  • Drew
    and not to mention the other announcer sarcastically pronounced Mendenhall loud and clear numerous times after the dumb big idiot messed it up. He totally ruined my day! The next time he's announcing I'm muting the game and putting on Major League
  • Grumpy
    I hate that rule that wiped out Hines' TD. He's in the end zone with possession and the ball comes out OUT OF BOUNDS. Why don't they just require possession until he gets to his driveway. The Competition Committee needs to revisit this. MendINGhall's fumble was also a joke. His forward progress was clearly stopped; blow the freaking whistle. So go ahead and take away the first down that wasn't; we win 24-14.
  • tecmo  - asdfvbasfb
    troy had another pick stolen by ryan clark. that dick.

    solomon wilcots and kevin harlan need punched in the necks.
  • Steel Triangle
    I happen to live in Pittsburgh, so I have the good fortune of being able to turn down the TV sound and listen to the Steelers' broadcast team of Tunch Ilkin, Bill Hillgrove (play-by-play) and Craig Wolfley, sideline reporter (Tunch, Bill and Wolf). Always entertaining.

    One of the the highlights for me during yesterday's game was Wolf calling guard Doug Legursky "The Big Legursky" -- a clear and conscious reference to "The Big Lebowski"!!!

  • TheJim
    Wilcox totally had balls in his mouth that whole game.
  • Steel Triangle  - The "Wisdom" of Solomon

    Nice play on words.

    Solomon Wilcotts: Ex-Bengal. 'Nuff said.
  • bluzdude
    Dude falls "several feet" and it's a news story??? Geez, rub some dirt on it and walk it off. Man up, already.

    If he fell out of the upper deck, I could understand. Maybe it was a bit of performance art and he was acting out the Browns' season.
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