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Written by Captain Planet   
October 15, 2009 08:08


Oh, that's right, it's Browns week.

We knew there had to be a connection.

But before we get you to our Browns team preview, first things first - about that byline...

The thing is, on all of the team previews, game previews, recaps, handjobs, etc. that we do here at OFTOT, we collaborate (Steve and Cotter together).

So we figured we'd create a username that reflects that fact.

Now, perhaps you don't remember Captain Planet, or you never cared.

Your loss.

Nevertheless, here's a refresher...


Pretty queer for two dudes in the latter half of their 20s, yes. But when we were in elementary school, Captain Planet's pimp hand was strong.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Cleveland.

We really couldn't write a post about the Browns without including these...




OR, this...


That's how you know your city is a joke...literally, in this case.

Their "Dawg Pound"...
brownsfans

OUR "Dogg Pound"...


We could spend hours doing this, honestly.

But we won't.

Despite the fact that the Browns have one win in their last 11 games, and the fact that last week their starting QB's rating was lower than the legal age for consent, we can't really count the Browns out.

Sure, on paper this game looks easier than getting laid on Spring Break, but this is still a division game. And the Browns probably couldn't think of a better way to get some positive momentum than by beating the Steelers at Heinz Field. So while we're going to continue to proliferate our irrational bravado, we're certainly not looking past the Browns.

In fact, this game may be just what the Steeers need right now.

If there's any team the Steelers refuse to lose to, it's gotta be the Browns.

A division game against a once-fierce rival?

If the Steelers don't win this game, we give Tomlin our permission to perform full-body-cavity searches to see if he can find this team's balls.

Weather-wise, the high on Sunday looks to be hovering around 44, and...
week6weather

Looks like cloudy with a chance of Big Ben pissing on the Browns secondary.

Anyways, no one cares about weather, and we're going to rip on the Gowns enough below.

So we're going to go ahead and hit the play button on this preview now.

Brace yourselves (that's what she said)...

Quarterback
anderson

Man, a picture really does throw a thousand interceptions......

Every person who tells you that Derek Anderson is the starting QB for the Browns, mentions that he was a former Pro Bowl [alternate] QB. OK, we get it, he had one solid year and ALMOST led the the Browns to the playoffs.

As any Cleveland story would go - he was then benched the following year, mid-season, for Brady Quinn.

While Anderson possesses some legitimate QB skills, this is all we need to say -

anderson

That was last week, against the 0-4 Buffalo Bills. 

We'll leave it at that.

As for Quinn - what do we show/say that we haven't before? Do we leave him alone? Do we acknowledge the fact that he is irrelevant this Sunday? Do we make amends and let his ship sail to wherever he lands next? Are we, the contributors of One For The Other Thumb, done basing Mr. Brady Quinn?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll NO!

fluffer1

Hey, that will be re-usable for the rest of our lives. You know that.

Running Back


What, you mean Jamal Lewis?

This guy would be more productive dealing crack in Baltimore at this point.

All of the talking heads this week had to mention how this guy got 117 yards against Buffalo.

Problem is, even Kathy Griffin could put up 117 yards on the Bills 30th ranked run defense.

Not to mention it took him 31 carries to do it.

Let's just be honest here, Jamal Lewis hasn't been the same since his asshole was violated six ways to Tuesday by about 30 large men in orange jumpsuits. And that was just when he got to Cleveland!
medium_todd

Who knows what kind of damage those convicts did to his Brown eye (pun intended).

Now, some of you may be worried with Aaron Smith on IR.

Stop.

The Steelers D-Line could stop Jamal Lewis even if Sean Mahan played Defensive End.

Plus, Jamal Lewis is still injured right now.

So the Browns could also give Jerome Harrison some work.

Last time they gave this kid a full load, he ran for 121 yards (29 carries). He's quicker AND younger, albeit smaller than Lewis.

Still, he only managed 51 yards on 16 carries against the Ravens, so we're about as concerned about him as we are about SARS (which coincidentally also hasn't been relevant since the earlier 2000s).

Wide Receivers
edwards

Oh wait. Their best wide receiver got traded.

Never mind.

Here you go -
cribbs

That's Joshua Cribbs. While Braylon's replacement isn't much of a wide-out, dude can return kickoffs with the best of them.

The Browns also lineup Cribbs up in the "Wildcat" formation, failing miserably. Like we said - he's not much of a wide-out (He will probably catch a TD on Sunday, now that we said that, shit).

Rookie Mohammad Massaquoi (a very talented individual. Watch out for #11. That was nice of us, right?) is the number two, backed up by the "Great White Hype" Mike Furrey and the new guy, Chansi Stucky.

Needless to say - the previews for the Hannah Montanna Movie are scarier than this group of receivers.

Offensive Line
familyguy

We only hope Seth McFarlene named this character, "Cleveland Brown" because he was a soft spoken, passive man, whose wife eventually cheats on him. Horrible things must happen to a man with that name.

If he named him that because he is "cute" and "cuddly" well, we accept that too because that is funny.

What happened?

Oh yeah, about the fat guys.....

If only he had someone to block for, left tackle Joe Thomas would be a perennial Pro Bowler. Forget the fact that he wears a Browns jersey, in 2007 he was bad-ass enough to decide to go fishing with his Dad, instead of attending the NFL Draft. Thomas was undoubtedly slated to go in the top ten.

We'd like to think he took off because he knew Cleveland was his future destination......

Alex Mack is their Center? Heh?
alexmack

Sorry, easy and shameless comparison. We suck for putting that in. Damnit!

Floyd "Porkchop" Womack and former Chicago Bear, John St. Clair, patrol the right side of the offensive line. Weighing a combined 628 lbs, these two buffet pirates could be trouble for an Aaron Smith-less Steelers defensive line.

Eric Steinbach is the starting Left Guard. We know you stopped reading this section after the Alex Mack picture.

Onward....

Defensive Line
ahhrogers

If you didn't know Jaba The Hut played football in his spare time from collecting debts from bounty hunters, there ya go -  he wears #92 for the Cleve' Brownies.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hide your children, Shaun Rogers is hungry!!!

Can't you see him stomping on buildings like Godzilla?

All kidding aside, Shaun Rogers is a very large waste of space up front for the Browns defense. Haha, sorry.

No really -  this large pile of cookie dough has been known to take plays off from time to time, but when he tries, he has shown flashes of being one of the dominant nose tackles in the the NFL.

If Shaun Rogers is the turkey - Kenyon Coleman and Robarie Smith are the wings. These two defensive ends get overshadowed (think "solar eclipse" ) by the awfulness of Rogers spherical belly. However, both are used as run stopping defensive ends (like Keisel and Smith) and are somewhat effective in a 3-4 defense.

Eh, teams should run for 200 yards on this front. See: Adrian Peterson - Week #1

Linebackers
brownsmove

Hey, remember when the Browns didn't exist in the late 90's? Remember - they packed up and moved to Baltimore?

Nothing to do with the linebackers, just a History refresher.....

Kamerion Wimbley leads the team with 4 sacks at the left outside linebacker position.  Wimbley has shown promises of becoming a Joey-Porter-type pass rusher, but he plays for the Browns, so that comparison can't be true.

No seriously, Starks and Colon will have their hands full with Wimbley.

The one dude we should REALLY be concerned about is, D'Qwell Jackson. Jackson led the Browns in tackles last year and is run stopping linebacker that shows flashes of a young Ray Lewis (so we should hate him equally). Mendy and D'Qwell will get plenty of chances to meet on Sunday.  

Besides sounding like early 90's sitcom actors, Eric Barton and David Bowens are lined up on the right side of the front seven.

Suggesting that the Steelers  "run to the right" might makes us successful Offensive Coordinators. What up, Bruce?

Secondary


Yeah this post is very "youtube" heavy, but, come on! Cranking the proverbial "soulja-boy" during pre-game warm ups never leads to victory.

The Brown-like quality of the video leads us to believe - that is starting right cornerback, Brandon McDonald. The third year DB (stands for defensive back, not....well...you know) is the Browns leading candidate to pull a "Dre' Bly."

Eric Wright may be the only bright spot in the Browns secondary, as the third year corner has been counted on to consistently shut down opposing teams number ones receivers.

Chances are, Santonio and Hines make "E-Dub" wet his panies.

Abram Elam (really?) and Brodney Prool (again, really? Brodney? WTF?) are the Browns starters at safety. Quite frankly, we don't give a hoot.

Ben's droppin' BOMBS on Sundeeeeee. Wooo. 

go steelers.  

Special Teams
brownsspecialteams

We have yet to discuss "Special Teams" in these posts, and guess what........we still won't.

We just needed an excuse to post this picture.

 

D'oh.

(side note: This post proves one thing- the Cleveland Browns are very photogenic.)

Head Coach
shiteatinggrin

Your mangina is showing.

Listen, if you need us to tell you how miserable Eric Mangini is, you need to reaffirm your grasp on reality.

This guy was 23-25 lifetime and yet, the way the Browns prematurely ejaculated all over themselves to sign him last January, you'd think he was Bill Cowher.

Jon Gruden? Mike Shanahan? Why would the Browns want to sign one of those Super Bowl winning Coaches when they could have the perfect guy to maintain the franchise's irrelevancy?

Seriously, the guy's girth is the only thing he seems committed to improving.

Yeah, Chansi Stuckey oughta solve everything (draft picks too, we know, thanks).

Whatever, every time we think about Eric Mangini, we think about this...


Hi, Cleveland.

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fanof OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

Comments (3)
  • Grumpy
    avatar
    Nice preview. Go back to individual bylines; I wanna know who to blame when things go bad.
  • domski43
    avatar
    remember when cleveland fans thought the browns they were going to over take the Steelers before last year. Then the steelers win the super bowl again. lolz
  • Steel Triangle
    avatar
    It's easy to get laid on spring break? Huh. Who knew?
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