There's really no denying that we are certified, card-carrying Rodney Harrison haters. Usually just a flash of his face across the TV screen is enough to incite us into loudly rattling off a stream of four letter words that would rival a candid 30 seconds with Artie Lange. But for the first time in our lives, we can say we actually agree with Rodney Harrison.

He may be a severe bag of vaginal cleanser, but he's got a point - the Bengals ARE a "Clown Show."

Maybe you're worried about Sunday's game. And that's cool. I mean, that's cool. Just, remember, it's the Bengals. [Do not in any way] Pardon the pun, but a tiger doesn't change its stripes overnight.

 

But you don't have to take my word for it.

 

As these poll results illustrate, even Cincinnati doesn't think so...

Really this post shouldn't even need to happen.

 

All you really need to know about the Bengals is this:

1. The blob pictured above is their first round draft pick, offensive tackle, Andre Smith.

2. Andre held out all of training camp and did not sign a contract until a few days before the last preseason game.

3. He broke his foot in his first practice and has been out of action since.

In otherwords, he was the perfect addition to perpetuate the epic FAILURE that is the Cincinnati Bengals.

But we digress...

While most of our football knowledge is drenched in Steelers statistics and complaints about the running game, we figured it would be nice to provide you all with some background info on our weekly opponents.

Today, we focus on our Week #3 opponent, whose team motto refuses to conform to the standards of traditional English vocabulary.

Meet, the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals...

Quarterback

 

Carson Palmer. A man who we all know and love. A former Heisman trophy winner, Carson's professional career has had more ups and downs than Britney Spears. He made his mark early in his career, enough so that Peter King still wants to put it in his cornhole. But over the last few seasons, he's experienced a strong case of what we like to call "Kellen Winslow syndrome." No, he hasn't had swollen testicles (though maybe you should ask Peter King about that). What we mean is he's been injured more often than Duce Staley.

You know what he is about. Peter King may be a fruit cake, but he's got a point about Palmer. When healthy, the dude can ball. BUT, get in his face and he will undoubtly serve up some of these...

 

Putting it bluntly, Carson is as legit of an NFL QB as there is. Just not better than Ben... (or even Chuck Batch).

Then there's backup JT O'Sullivan (nuff said), who last year, was third on the 49ers depth chart behind Shaun Hill and Alex Smith. Translation - he was as useful as "Spinderlla" was in Salt 'n Pepa.

 

...Negative seven points for Salt 'n Pepa reference. Our sincerest apologies...

 

 

And that brings us to third string QB, and brother to Carson Palmer, Jordan Palmer, who runs a website that tell's you when to go take a leak during movies.

The Palmer family is obviously committed to excellence.

Running Backs
The Bengals starting running back is another NFL pro who is familiar with the phrase "you have the right to an attorney." And his superb decision-making skills are only outdone by his penchant for looking like the black Nick Nolte (sidebar - how'd you like it if you were Nick Nolte and anytime someone searched your name on Google images, that was the 1st thing they saw).

 

Cedric Benson is a former #4 overall pick, taken originally by the Chicago Bears, who has seen his share of troubles. In 2007, Benson was released by the Bears after his second alcohol-related arrest in five weeks, but shockingly (and we mean that in the most sarcastic way possible), was picked up by the Bengals soon there after (The Bengals are like the Betty Ford Clinic of NFL Teams) for the 2008 season. Benson certainly hasn't been the second coming of Icky Woods, but nevertheless has shown flashes of being a productive back.

 

Take last week, for instance.

 

Against the Broncos, Benson rushed for 141 yards on 29 carries. Which means he pretty much equalled the Steelers rushing total for the season in just one game (sorry, it had to be said).

 

Already in 2009, he's carried the ball 50 times for 217 yards, although he's only broken the goal line once.

Backing up Benson (like it matters), is rookie Bernard Scott, whose resume is blanker than Cedric Benson's gaze in that mugshot above. Scott has only carried the ball three times thus far in his NFL career (he's a rookie). IE - Look for him to have as much of an influence on Sunday's outcome as our respective left testicles.

Wide Recievers

 

Another Bengal who needs no introduction is Chad OchoCinco. If we've learned nothing about the leader of Cincy's wide recieving corps over the past month or so, it's that he's more worried about his Re-tweets and @ replies on Twitter, than catching touchdown passes (although he did that last week too).

Last time we saw the Bengals, we didn't see number eighty-five. Chad was suspended by the team, hours before the November matchup. But as you can see from the handy little graphic above (big time thanks to Nate for that thing, PS), historically the Steelers haven't had too much of a problem with Ocho Cinco.

 

That said, Ocho Cinco's also had other problems with the Steelers...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We'll take more of the latter than the former on Sunday (for the sheer entertainment value). But the beauty is, both are fine by us.

 

As for the rest of Cincy's wide-outs, well, they may not be as familiar.

 

Laverneus Coles is on the last leg of his career, and is as much of a downfield threat as Chris Kemoeatu. He may be a guy that the Bengals use underneath, but we're hoping it'll be more like him underneath a pile of black and gold.

Then you've got Chris Henry.


Yep. Ken Broo is your best friend.

There's also Andre Cadwell, who could be someone on whom we should keep an eye, by virtue of his 8 catches for 70 yards as a second year pro. After all, if he's anything like his brother Rechee, he'll have his eye on everyone...

...so it's only fair.

 

And finally, we've got rookie, Quan Cosby (who was Colt McCoy's favorite target at Texas last year...no relation to Bill, PS). Cosby returns kicks for the BenGALs, and even took one to the house during preseason.

 

Neat.

 

Too bad preseason stats are about a useless as Troy Edwards.

 

The Offensive Line

 

Anthony Collins, Bobbie Williams, Kyle Cook, Nate Livings, and Andrew Whitworth. Sounds like the members of a doo-wop group. Only, instead of "Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay," they'd be singing songs like, "Sittin' In A Holding Cell, Waitin' To Be Charged."

This group of merry-men have already surrended 5 sacks on the young season.

 

Woodley and Harrison should feast.

 

NEXT!

The Defensive Line

 

The Bengals run your basic 4-3 defense with Antwan Odom and vetern Robert Gathers on the ends.

 

The national media has already begun to routinely fellate Odom for racking up seven sacks in two games...and yeah, that's pretty damn impressive. We'd love to say that those stats are more of an anomaly than the Lions winning a football game, but the fact is, he could be a problem for both Max Starks and Willie Colon, as the Bengals have used Odom on both sides of the line.

As for the DT's, we're looking at Domata Peko, and another friend of the U.S. State law, Tank Johnson. Peko has played 4 years with Cincy and is the dude who your girlfriend says "needs to cut his hair." Tank Johnson is way past his prime but is a guy you still need to put a body on or he'll make some plays.

Either way, the running game should be able to flourish against this front.

 

By the way, TANK Johnson = not just a clever name...

The LineBackers

 

Rookie Rey Maualuga already has the making of a Pro Bowl linebacker. That sentence was based on everything we learned from watching Hard Knocks.

 

It's too bad that as his touchdown celebration on Sunday, Hines Ward plans on ceremoniously breaking his jaw as a little "Welcome to the AFC North" gift.

And of course, we are all familiar with Keith Rivers...


Expect to see that video at least seven more times before Sunday.

Then, last but not least, Dhani Jones clogs up the middle. Jones is a NFL journeyman, who in his spare time hosts a show on the Travel Channel. Sounds like the kind of guy you want to anchor your defensive front seven. And he's well dressed to boot!

 

Which makes you wonder how he ended up playing for the Bengals and not tickling Tucker Carlson's balls?

 

If you're going to take a water break, here's where to do it.

 

And get me some pretzels from the cupboard while you're at it.

 

Ok, then...

The Secondary


Leon Hall and Johnathan Joseph man the corners, while Chris Crocker and Roy Williams hold it down as the safties. Frankly, as far as we're concerned, these names are about as scary as the cast of Full House.

 

Leon Hall seems like a promising young talent. Perhaps one of the Bengals most promising talents in recent history (or at least more promising than Akili Smith). Still, promise doesn't count until it becomes stardom. So we're hoping he won't be too big of a problem.

 

Jonathan Joseph has two first names.

 

One time "all-world" saftey, Roy Williams, has battled injury and age, but can still play the position at a productive level (that's what she said). That said, with young burners like Santonio Holmes and Mike Wallace (maybe even Sweed?), the wrinkles in his balls may just get exposed like Jeff Reed's dick shaft on Sunday.

 

The only thing we care to add about Chris Crocker is that he shares his name with this guy...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And as far as the Bengals personnel goes, that about does it.

 

But because this post isn't already long enough, here are a few other things you should know about the Bengals...

A Few Other Notes

 

1. Marvin Lewis is 3-10 against the Steelers.
2. Big Ben is 7-2 lifetime against the Bengals (including the playoff win).
3. No team has ever had a winning season after being featured on Hard Knocks.
4. Cinnamon has no business being added to Chili.

5. Despite all of the verbal dick stroking, Carson Palmer actually ranks behind Mark Sanchez in passing (20th in the NFL).

So now you know who to make fun of on Sunday, and where they play on the field.

Do we provide this knowledge every week?

 

All signs point to yes.

We've shared our thoughts, now we'd like to hear yours...

 

Anyone care to share their musings about the Bengals with us?

Obligatory Footer - If you haven't already, become a fan of OFTOT on Facebook, join the blog network and follow Cotter and Steve on Twitter. Or don't. Your choice, really.

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Comments (5)

• |09-24-2009 15:15 Grumpy
  

  WE DEY!
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• |09-24-2009 22:14 Drew
  

  Carson Palmer and OchoCinco are back! Chris Henry looks like a cross of a unicorn and an alien and he's my most hated player in the NFL. Why do I always worry about a running back whos having a good season going against the Steeler D? Keith Rivers is going to punch Hines Ward in the jaw and Tank Johnson will break out his arsenal of weapons and shoot everyone. Mike Wallace will catch a TD pass! Why is my ceiling fan making a cracking noise and the Steelers will win 31-21
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• |09-25-2009 06:38 domski43
  

  under the radar the bengals have won 4 of their last 5 games, and their 1 loss came during that fluke catch at the end the broncos game week 1. even without carson last year the bengals gave the steelers some tough games. carson palmer wants nothing else but to beat the Steelers (for obvious reasons).
  
  The steelers defense has not impressed me thus far this year. I hope this is their break out game. After two close games week 1 and 2 this year, I predict that the winning team will have a comfortable lead halfway through the 4th quarter. Hopefully its the team wearing black and gold n'at.
  
  btw..do you guys think its still so cold in the D?
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• |09-25-2009 09:42 matt  - http://bit.ly/10D71
  

  hahahahahhahaha @ Domski!
  
  as a matter of fact it is still, so cold in the D.
  
  Great post, enjoyed it thoroughly.
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• |09-26-2009 14:02 tiny  - a;sdlfkjweqpoiejfgda
  

  Seeing those shirtless pictures of Andre Smith and Tank Johnson, nearly made me spit out my coffee (and vomit a little inside my mouth).
  
  Also, noticing the NFL Analysts' Circle Jerk we are currently witnessing for the Bengals, I'm somewhat pleased that we lost last week. The last time the Steelers lost two games in a row was in December of the 2007 season (NWE, JAC). I think the team has grown and learned a lot since then (plus, we don't have anyone guaranteeing any victory.)
  
  Yes, I'm just getting around to commenting on this. And yes, I'm still drinking coffee @ 3pm. It's a Saturday. Don't judge.
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